My name is Robbie. I am a Brand Ambassador for Alex Tenlen Photography. I asked Alex if I could write a guest piece for her blog, to share my passion for boudoir and this amazing brand.
Two years ago, you would never have caught me dead at a boudior session. Or at a photograpy studio. Or naked in the mountains. Probably not in the mountains at all really, unless it involved no hiking and comfy beds.
Until two years ago, I had been overweight all of my life. It got worse as the years went on, and the traumas built up over time. Divorce, job stress, codependency… the list goes on and on. I could lose some weight for a little while, and then it would inevitably pile back on. I fantasized about someday being fit and healthy, but honestly didn’t think it was possible. Life was hard and painful. And I drank and ate to try to forget the pain of being so unhealthy and limited by my body. I avoided all mirrors and cameras like they were the plague.
Then 2020 happened. As I’m sure many of you can agree, that was a freaking-mess-suck-balls-stupid-awful year. I had an especially rough series of events that changed my life forever. I won’t go in to all of the details right now, but it sucked. At this time, two years ago, I was bed-bound with a huge metal cage drilled on to my leg to keep me from bending my knee. I had to live at a rehabilitation hospital because I couldn’t take care of myself. I could barely get to and from a bathroom on my own, and every movement was painful. I had a contracture and couldn’t flex my own foot. My long-term boyfriend was in a transplant unit in another state. We were isolated from each other and our friends and family because of Covid.
And then I found out that I wouldn’t be able to live independently or return to work for months, even after the metal cage was removed. I had to learn how to walk again, and I would need more surgeries.
And then Brad died.
My world imploded.
I wanted to give up. I wanted to scream and run away. I wanted to eat and drink myself to death instead of having to figure out a way through the pain and grief and trauma. I wanted everything back the way it was. I wanted my life back. I felt helpless and out of control.
And then I gave in. I gave up on the idea that my life was supposed to be a certain way. I gave up on the idea that I could put myself back together the same way. I knew I had to figure out how to do things differently to be able to heal my body and my heart.
I decided to change everything. I changed how I ate. I read books on nutrition and overeating and food addiction. I ate whole foods and used intuitive eating methods and intermittent fasting. I learned how to cook healthy food. I lost 90 pounds. I read books and journaled and talked to friends about my trauma and healing.
In 2021 I had gastric sleeve surgery and lost 140 more pounds. I started moving more. I had surgery on my foot and started going to the gym with a walking boot. I lifted and walked and “ran” on the elliptical. I did hours of physical therapy every week. I fell in love with the gym and yoga practice. I became vegetarian and stopped drinking. I found new hobbies, traveled, and filled my schedule with friends and family.
I became a different person. I am a different person.
One side effect of going through so many changes so fast that I hadn’t anticipated was that I felt like a stranger in my own body. I didn’t really know what I looked like. I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. People looked at me differently and treated me differently. I could do so much more and felt amazing, but still had insecurities and weird areas of loose skin. I felt lost in this new body and new life.
I saw posts from women in support groups who had professional photos taken after weight loss and how it helped them with body dysmorphia and self-compassion. I found Alex through a family member and started following her Instagram and joined the Facebook group.
In a moment of insanity, I signed up for a model call that Alex was doing for her new studio. I had never had real professional photos taken in my life. I owned zero lingerie. I had no idea what I was doing, and was embarrassed to talk to my friends about it.
On the day of the session, Alex and her team made me feel comfortable and at ease immediately. I loved having my hair and makeup done, like some kind of celebrity. I had never even tried fake eyelashes before. I was stunned by how the girls made me look. Like myself, only enhanced. I felt pretty. I felt like less of an imposter.
I tried on a lot of pieces from the client closet and Alex helped me pick things that worked with my body. I told her about the areas I was insecure about and she told me that I could trust her. Alex just has this thing about her that makes you feel immediately safe and comfortable. She coached me through everything. She gave a lot of encouragement and didn’t make me guess what to do with my face and body. I chilled out and laughed and had a blast.
When I saw my gallery, I was floored. I looked stunning. I looked beautiful, sexy, and brave. I looked like a badass. I could see myself. I looked comfortable in my own skin. I looked happy and healthy. I was so proud of what I had accomplished and overcome in this body. In those images I found self-acceptance, confidence, and the courage to be vulnerable.
I was hooked. Hooked on myself, and worthiness, and self-love, and helping other women feel this good about themselves. I talked to women who saw my gallery on the Facebook page. I told my friends and family about my experience. I signed up for mountain minis and wore lingerie on a log in a freezing cold mountain stream. I applied for and was chosen as and ATP Brand Ambassador. Four galleries and hundreds of photos later, and I’m not done. I’m addicted to this brand, and this artist, and about sharing Alex’s message of women’s empowerment and body positivity.
And I’m addicted to being badass and beautiful and brave in all areas of my life now. I am still learning and trying new things. I am setting boundaries and figuring out what I want to do with myself. I am using this new body and not letting my injury hold me back. I can see myself. I know myself. I can do hard things. My life has changed, and I never want to go back.
